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June 06 Lord I want to ask forgiveness of my sins. i thank you for your mercy and your kindness. Lord you are just AWESOME
The Lord Jesus Christ is...
Wonderful
Glorious
Marvelous
Beautiful
Awesome
Lovely
Wise
All powerful
All knowing
All seeing
Merciful
Holy
Righteous
Always in control
A way-maker
A heavy load sharer
Trustworthy
My peace
My provider
My healer
My deliverer
My protecter
My life example
My Savior
My God
My best friend
My confidant
My strength
The supplier of all my needs
he is the one and only. There is none like my God, for he is good, and his mercy endureth forever. It is a privelige to worship and to serve Him. By the way, that list gets MUCH longer. There is no way to describe totally who God is. He is just TOO awesome. You will never have peace until you get to know the one true God.
Come worship with me... June 01 This blog is gonna be long, just like my other ones, so my cousin can just put aside his ADD symptoms and READ IT! lol. Luv you much, cuz. (inside joke, y'all. sorry.)
2 Corinthians 11
Paul and the False Apostles
I hope you will put up with a little of my foolishness; but you are already doing that. I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough. But I do not think I am in the least inferior to those "super-apostles." I may not be a trained speaker, but I do have knowledge. We have made this perfectly clear to you in every way. Was it a sin for me to lower myself in order to elevate you by preaching the gospel of God to you free of charge?
Ok, I am not too comfortable with the big tyme preachers. I was ok with them, until I watched the Truth Behind Hip Hop DVDs (all four, y'all). And to me, honestly, Paul using the term "super apostles" really brings to me T.D. Jakes, Jamal Bryant, and the like to mind. Now I can't say these preachers are teaching people another Jesus, or that they are presenting another gospel, or anything like that, I don't know anything about Juanita Bynum, accept that she's married to my friend's pastor's nephew, and is now a part of the Weeks ministerial family. Ministerial because they are ALL preachers... accept one, who's an organist. But don't that sound like MCBC cousins? countless preachers and ministers have been birthed out of Mt. Calvary. lol. ANYWHO! sorry, I started rambling.
Anyway, like I said, I don't know if I can say these big tyme preachers are preaching another gospel out of the character of Jesus. But someone said this... "take ten random [gospel] hits from back in the day, and ten [gospel] hits from today's music. The major difference is that the old music always talked about our condition, whereas music from our circumstances. Speaking on our condition calls us to repentance; it calls us to change, but to speak on our circumstances turns God into an ATM in the sky. 'I'm gonna get my blessing, my breakthrough, my season, harvest, and favor." First off..... that is REALLY deep. and secondly, I tried that.... AND IT"S TRUE!!!! There is a HUGE difference between the Winans singing about how they got good grades, and never did anything bad, but they still realized that they were in sin and needing Jesus, than "Favor... I give you Favor... You will never want for anything.... when you ask, I will answer. This is the hour, I'm puring out my favor."
I even listened to a sermon... or watched, rather, by Jamal Bryant. He talked about a virtuous woman. Now, that man can PREACH. but to me, he is JUST another big tyme preacher, preaching on circumstances, rather than conditions. Amen? nosa. let me stop. lol. Anyway, he went to Proverbs 31:10 "But who can find a virtuous woman for she is more valuable than rubees" ok that might not be how it went exactly, but that's the jist. ANYWAY, that's where he stopped. He never went into detail about WHAT a virtuous woman was, but kind of gave off the impression that the women there were already virtuous. Now out of a conference with over a thousand in attendance, I can state for FACT that is not true. And he said alot of stuff even I could relate to, AND I"M NOT EVEN A WOMAN! Huh?
He came against SOME aspect of the "mega-church mentatity" (the season harvest, and what not) shouting over material stuff... but even so... he never talked on the condition of the person, how there is a need for women to be virtuous, not like he ever finished the scripture to distinguish WHAT the virtuous woman was. Now I have read that scripture plenty of times on responsive reading on sundays... and had he read the WHOLE scripture, them women would not have been shouting hooping and hollaring, because they are not all virtuous women. No, many of them would have stopped and thought about what the word said... as the TRUTH of the word often causes you to do, "come let us REASON together..."
When I heard a particular sermon about faith... it touched me... and I wasn't shouting. No.. I was really thinking on the word of God, because it was truth. It was the word of God, about the condition I was in, and my need to change. There were no circumstances for me to try and compare my current and past life with, just the cold hard truth that I had to read the word more, believe what it said, and my faith would come. So... the mega church that makes me whoop and hollar over meer circumstances... or the WHOLE word that causes me to change and form myself closer and closer to the image of Jesus Christ. One thing I've noticed... back in the day, Jesus was my savior, my deliverer, and my example on how to live. Today, in many churches, he is the fixer of my circumstances, my blesser, and my ATM. I see a difference. Do you? May 20 I have really been feeling the need to post this. I been trying to resist, btu I just have to. Someone tried to convince me that homosexuality is ok, but I have too much Bible sense. I know it's really long, so read it only if you have some time. But it's worth every word. It's an email I sent the guy in return, but I'm turning it into a blog, because it is a serious issue...
First, off. I just want to thank God for his perfect word, and it being in me, and in anyone who knows it well. I'm sorry this email is SO incredibly long, it took me a good forty minutes to write. But please bear with me and read it in it's entirety.
Well I hope this email is readable. anyway. I watched the first video. I do not have time to watch nor read anything else at this moment, because it is almost three in the morning. But, what I did see did not change my mind to any degree. I'm sorry. I just can't subscribe to the belief that homosexuality is not a sin. My bible tells me otherwise. Yes you can say we need to go back to the original manuscripts and what not, but scholars have already done that. translators after translators with every translation of the Bible have included homosexuality as sin in both the old and new testament. in every translation? come on, now Matthew. Now whether you are judged or not, does not change what is right and what is wrong.
They try to say homosexuality is not a disease, not physically, no. Neither is fornication, nor any other sin. Some diseases are brought on DUE TO sin, like addictions and what not, but they started with an original sin in the beginning, then the addict became trapped because of his sin. But sin is part of the human nature. It's not a disease PHYSICALLY, but I am not concerned at all with the physical. Not one bit. The Bible says we fight NOT against flesh and blood, but against principalities. the warfare is spiritual, and sin is a spiritual disease, not a natural one. ALL sin. Not just homosexuality. And that first chapter of Romans came down on ALL sin, not just homosexuality, but ALL of it.
I do believe the scripture that they used in acts saying that we are not to hold to the old testament was misconstrued or false some kind of way? Otherwise, WHY would Paul write in one of his letters that we learn from the Old Testament? We use the old testament as guidance in our own lives? That I did read for myself. So I know it's there. And back in the days of Paul, what did the Colossians have to live by, besides A letter from Paul working out issues in there church? They had the old testament. That is what taught them how to live. Now we have All of Paul's letters, and the four gospels, along with the acts of the apostles, but the early church had none of that. yet they were living holy. must have been by the old testament, I'm sure. And if the Old testament was so totally irrelevant as people misconstrue it to be, WHY IS IT IN THE BIBLE?!?! I believe that unless something is directly combated against and canceling out, like Peter's dream about unclean food, permitting us to eat things such as pork, then we are still to live by the old testament. What was a sin then, is STILL a sin, now. No we don't stone witches like they use to, but that is only because of the forgiveness of sin presented in Jesus Christ. But that don't change the fact that witchcraft is still a sin and that we must repent of it and ask forgiveness. And I'll bet that that's the true meaning of the scripture about not holding someone to old testament. Because of the forgiveness of sins through Jesus Christ, we cannot stone the witch, and put the homosexual to death. What for when they are already dead to God anyway, nor can he hear their prayer, because they are in sin? But, no where in the bible has sin ever changed. what was a sin then, is still a sin, now. The only difference is that NOW, we can be forgiven of sin, because of Jesus offering himself up as the perfect sacrifice.
Now I do agree with the fact that people are incorrect when they say God hates the homosexual. If that were the case, God would hate EVERY HUMAN BEING ON THE EARTH HE MADE. Because ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Even on a Christian's BEST day, we are nothing but filthy rags compared to the righteousness and Holiness of God. God loves everyone. The crack head, the prostitute, the stripper, the homosexual, and the adulterer. Jesus said to come as you are. He never said you would STAY as you are. Why? Because God is a Holy God, who detests sin, homosexuality just happening to be one of them, well will you look at that! I will accept you as a homosexual into my church congregation, and teach you the true ways of Jesus Christ, correct you when you are wrong, and show you how to live this Christian life, THE RIGHT WAY. And if you get saved, Me, AND JESUS, Expects you to hand EVERYTHING over to him to change, and to make into the image of the Son of God.
I see they tried to bring up many famous celebrated people in the past who were gay. Not everything endorsed, is the right thing to be endorsing. As a Christian, there are just SOME THINGS I cannot stand by. Homosexuality just happening to be one of those things. And Besides. what do I care what society endorses and says it's ok? I'm not concerned with what society that tries to accommodate everyone at some point, says what's right and what's not. MY concern is what my Father in Heaven says is right and what is not. The Bible says Wide is the road to destruction. And the path to righteousness, is narrow. I choose to stray from what society tells me, and go down the narrow path to righteousness. And I know there are like Billions of Christians... but tell me, how many of those Christians are true Christians, giving up all of themselves to Christ? just because you believe in God, does not make you an automatic child of God like people want to believe.
SO many people have misconstrued the word "love" when it comes to homosexuality. Me giving you everything you want, and request, is not love. Because in giving you all that you want, when am I giving you what you need? The true word of God? Sitting you down and telling you that God can change you? Where is the real love? Letting you know that if you continue down the path you are on, you are in danger of being thrown into the lake of fire! But no. because you don't want to hear that, it's not love. And you'd rather me give you what you want, and just let you walk right through the gates of hell. No. I don't want that for anyone close to me, trapped in sin, including myself, and you. Telling you what you want to hear, and giving you everything you want is not love. Giving you what you need is showing you love.
Now... every single sin has a consequence. There is suffering in EVERY sinful bondage. An adulterer loses his family. A Crack head loses her health, a prostitute loses her pride and dignity. There is suffering in every bondage. What makes homosexuality ANY different? It's still sin, but yet, the homosexual wants it to be where they are comfortable in their sin. I highly doubt that that will ever happen. Every person bound by sin is denied a dignified place in society. Every sinful thing is looked down upon in some way or another, so therefore, I do think that the homosexuals are looking for special treatment, in that sense... in the spiritual sense.
I do believe that in some cases, the homosexual lifestyle is chosen. ESPECIALLY for a Christian. They know the way. The know how things are suppose to be, but they choose otherwise. But for a sinner, they have no choice over allowing a sinful seed to grow in them, because they are in sin, no matter what the sin is. NO you did not choose your sexual orientation, nor can you change it. But how dare you limit the power of God by claiming that it cannot be changed, PERIOD? That is all I have to say really about the video you sent me to watch, which I did watch.
Now to the emails. I do not believe that it is preaching discrimination against gays. For one thing, he did not only talk about gays. He used them as example in that particular email, but it was a series, in which he even named closed family members who could be dangerous to a Christian's spiritual help. Yes Jesus did fellowship with the sinful while he was alive, but it was for a specific purpose, to get a message to them that their sins could be forgiven. That don't change the fact that their sins were sins, mind you. Yes, Jesus did befriend, but not to the extent that where he was telling them secrets, sharing all his goals with them, getting to know their whole personal lives, and allowing them to know his, getting all buddy-buddy with them.
What this minister pointed out was that sometimes, conversations would arise that would pose a threat to us by planting bad seeds into our lives, and into our minds, like say a conversation struck between us about who the cutest actor is. Then that causes me to fall prey to sin. Now in that sense, our relationship does not hurt, since, normally, we only talk about Windows Vista, and the like. BUT, my issue was that we doing all this talk-talk-talking, but I had never really introduced Christ to you. that was my main issue after some thinking and listening to God's voice. By me never saying anything, I was accepting you sin, showing you no Godly love, and since we are to be like Christ, with Him being a HOLY God, who does not accept sin, neither are his children, me being one of them.
May 17 I MISS BLOGGING!!!! My Computer is back online! I have been gone so long because i broke it, and it costed me over 200 bucks! Never again! That is what I get for messing with the computer registry... ANYWAY! I will be blogging again. but first i have to take care of some arisen issues with a close friend, and set up a prayer date with my cousin. I just thought I'd let people know I was back and ready to log again. I miss doing this. anyway, peace! May 05
James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
I am thankful for this day. As I am growing in Christ, and becoming more involved in my church home, things are coming to light, as people open up to me and deem me trustworthy. And I'm telling you, it's time to buy some kneepads and WEAR THEM OUT! I have been praying for the past few. Weeks. i have been feeling the need for me and my cousins to get together and pray. The prayer was always heavy on me, but since the prayer never came through, I prayed, and I hope my cousins was praying. and now things are happening where I'm am SO thankful that my cousins are in Christ Jesus. Because he is giving strength and providing wisdom when and where it's much needed.
I had an awesome talk with my cousin today. Long talk that lasted for hours, and talking to him, I saw encouragement for myself. I mean, this boy's testimony... it amazes me, and I honestly don't know if I could have survived in his shoes, but God has given amazing strength to him. And I'm glad we are as close as we are. He is my ear. Whenever I need one, I know I can go to him, because he always seems to understand my reasoning. And when we talk, he always corrects some of my ways of thinking when he speaks (he didn't know that, but I'm sure he knows now). Becuase God has done so much for him. And because we struggle, or struggled with much of the same things, I look at him and what he has come out of, and I think... If he can do it, SURELY I can also! Because both of us have Christ.
I thank God for my PH factor (lol. your new nickname), because I don't know what I'd be doing right now, if I did not have him as an example to look up to. I am glad God gave me him, where I can talk to him, and we can pray for each other. I am loving this Christian life!!!!
I feel like me and "my PH factor" have a real relationship in christ. We can talk to each other, we correct each other, we encourage each other, and we edify each other "unto every good word and work" (who can tell me where that came from? lol), and there's nothing but life between us. It's like... This is how it's suppose to be between all Christians, ain't it? Just beautiful fellowship between the brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you Lord God for being God, for providing everything I need to survive, live, and grow. God you're such an awesome God!
Song of the Day: Conversation - Ted & Sheri I wrote this thing today. It's short for a story, but I honestly don't think it's finished. Read it. i called it "Freedom from Chains." (not real title. MSN blocked the title)
1st Corinthians 6:9-11
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
The Breaking of Bondage
I don't believe what I'm doing. I turn over and look in his face. There's contentment written all over his face. He's happy with me, living with me, and just... being with me. But I'm not happy. How could I let myself fall into such a trap? I have to leave. I have to get back before God's face. There was no way I can do that sleeping with a man. I have to go. i'll break the news in the morning...
"So when did this happen?" There was no doubt he was upset as he talked through his clenched teeth.
"About a week ago."
"How?" The confusion fell from his lips like rain into the atmosphere, affecting the entire room.
"I decided to open that bible that's collecting dust in the living room." His head popped up. He knew just what scripture I had read. The irony of a bible opening to 1 Corinthians 6 in the home of two gay men!
"Why?" That was the only word he could muster. I knew what was running through his mind... Why did he have to be the one to turn out a once faithful church boy? The move was backfiring in his face.
"Curiosity, I guess. But I want to be able to apply that to my life. I can't say, such were some of you, because I'm still this way. I want to change so I can see Jesus when he comes. Right now, I can't. And it hurts me that I'm doing this to God because I know better."
The instinct set in to fight for his man. There was no way he could just let his lover walk out the door and leave him sitting in tears. No way. He figured he could discourage me with words I'd been saying to myself for some time. But nothing could shake the way i was raised. And I was raised on scripture. Even if I didn't know where the scripture was, I knew the scripture existed.
"But you can't just choose who you are. Would you have really chosen to be gay, after growing up in church? You are who you are. God understands that. You must understand that. You have to. For the sake of our love."
Love? I knew better. This was lust. Of course, I wanted to convince myself of what he believed. But I knew better. Train up a child...
"I was taught enough scripture to know that when i go back to Christ, his truth will make me free from this, and I'll be a new person. I may not have chosen who I am, but I know Jesus can surely change who I am to better suit Him. Besides... I did choose you over him. So, I did choose this. But now, I'm regretting my choice. I have to go. I can't continue to choose you over God."
"Well if that's how you'll have it," he paused with pain from the words he was about to say, "give me back my key."
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my key chain. i removed the apartment keys and sat them on the table next to the elbow he was leaning on. He looked at me with those eyes I could never resist. But I had to this time. Hopefully it would be the last time. God would give me strength. This was His will. He wouldn't leave me hanging. I turned to leave, and under the heavy silence, I heard him say,
"No goodbye sex?"
I opened the door and turned to him and said, "This time, you're going to have to take matters into your own hands." His sobs were soft as I closed the door and headed down the hallway. A tear rolled down my own cheek when I realized how hard it would be to leave him, and his way of life behind. "God I need your strength."
I am dedicating this to all the homosexuals who are seeking deliverance. Who are willing to give their life to Christ, and to live Holy, conforming to the image and example of Jesus Christ. God loves everyone, including the homosexuals, and he wants you in heaven with him. Seek the Lord, and by faith, you shall recieve your deliverance. I do not believe this story is yet finished. I am going to follow this man's life some more with my pen, and we all ( including me... it's how I write) will see the outcome of this man's life.
Of course, I had to be the one to try and go shopping, looking for a CD player Sony discontinued the day after I bought it a year ago...
Jehova Jirah, my provider....
My nice, pretty little ATRAC CD Player busted. The lens got scratched, and it wouldn't read through my ATRAC CDs properly. And I just COULDN"T go back to regular CDs. Not like it would read those either... anyway... It broke, and I hear that once the lens breaks, you are better off buying a new CD player, because it will cost just as much to get the lens fixed/replaced. So I go and look at the Sony website... AND MY CD PLAYER IS NO LONGER THERE!!! Nothing even close accept the $150 ATRAC CD Players that only some dumb rich person would buy. I wouldn't buy something so expensive unless I had a ten year FULL REPLACEMENT Warranty on it. I go to Radio Shack, in field's corner... It's not there!! I NEED A CD PLAYER!!!!!
Well, after contemplating using my mother's credit card SIDEBAR i use my mother's card alot to buy stuff online and pay the money to her for it, since I do not yet have a credit card of my own. But one's coming in the mail!!!SIDEBAR DONE (to Regina ), I decided I wanted to get it from a department store, where I could get at least a year-long warranty. So I head downtown. Maybe Radio Shack has gotten another shipment of them (I knew better since the product was discontinued...) I go to BOTH radio shacks downtown on both ends of downtown crossing, and neither of them have it. But the guy at the Radio Shack next to Borders was very helpful. He looked it up online for me. ANd of course... it was instore only... why? BECAUSE THEY DIDN"T HAVE A LINE TO SONY ANYMORE!! THEY STOPPED MAKING THE CD PLAYER!!! He suggest I go to Best Buy (which by the way, I'm upset with Best Buy) and the closest one is all the way at the Galleria. So now I have to troop it to the Galleria.
But I couldn't help myself. The big sign was just calling me! I had to go play in Borders for a few minutes. And what do i see? A whole display about The DaVinci Code and its Author. And Dan Brown's book Angels and Demons was only $8? I was all over that with the quickness. I had a hundred dollars in my pocket. I could afford an $8 book. I'm going to start it when I wake up later today (it is halfway to four in the morning after all).
So I'm walkign to Park street, and I walk up the street that Payless is on SIDEBAR I wanted to look at the shoes in the window. I have been shopping at Payless since I can remember! I'm a faithful customer. lol SIDEBAR DONE (another tribute to Regina) and this PHAT fountain pen was just grlling me from the other side of this... window thingy. So i go in. I had to see it. And Behold! A WHOLE store all on pens and calligraphy! SIDEBAR Anyone who knows me really well, knows about my fascination with pens of all types! SIDEBAR DONE (hopefully that's the last sidebar. regina's gonna get me) I HAD to get one... But not the ones with the 150-dollar names on them. I am not a dumb rich person, as i stated earlier. I buy me a nice cheap $8.50 fountain pen made from plastic, and I head out with my new book in my pocket.
WHen i get to the Galleria, I head straight to Best Buy. I walk around that store fora good half hour looking for this CD player. GUESS WHAT! Not even Best Buy had it! Nope, the only available place was out in Dedham. And they only had one left when I called. Yep that's right... I looked up the number and the model number of the CD player on a computer in the store, and I called them. But the dumb auto-menu put me through to the wrong department. That's why I like talking to people. Machines are dumb .
So, depressed, I go downstairs, and resist the urge to eat chinese food, and I get a nice little Chicken Ceasar wrap from D' Angelo's. YAY FOR ME! I'm eating better! As I'm leaving, thank goodness I was walking past Sears... and something told me to go in. Call it intuition? I think it was just the Holy Ghost supplying yet ANOTHER need of mine. Well i go in, and after some investigating, I find it! A WHOLE ROW of Black and Orange and White, Silver, and Green ATRAC CD Players by Sony, locked up in a neat little case next to some Gameboy accesories. I was SOO Happyyyyy! i rushed over to the register and told the girl what I wanted (who i found out went to school with me!) She unlocked the case, but... I gay guy rung me up. I wanted to laugh in his face. Because... you know that lisp the flamboyant ones have? but I just decided to go home and pray. But SHOOT i got a warranty fro two years. And I had him cut the package open RIGHT THERE! i couldn't wait to get home. i had to have my ATRAC right there! Thank you Jehova for Jira... ing? once again!
I GOT A NEW CD PLAYER!! It's pretty, too! lol. Oh by the way.. ATRAC ain't 8-track people use to listen to when my mother was 20. ATRAC. They are totally different. Go to the website and read up on it. I'm going to go and enjoy my disc with 490 songs on it. BYE!!
I think I have written stuff on all kinds of issues. I even wrote something about my own stuff online. i use to be an online feidn. all up in the chat rooms and such. and you know what, reading this what I wrote, i wonder if this is what goes on with all those who stay online, and find companions and best friends, and with those sad people who end up raped and killed by online predators. I don't remember who I was thinking about when I wrote this, cause it was so long ago, but it doesn't really matter, now...
These words, they appeared on my screen, inkown to me for thse words were not my onw, but adopted from the very first sentence. These words, omitted from the heart of a stranger, were a link between me and this strainger, for our thoughts, ou minds, and our hearts rode on the same train, headed for the same place.
We lust after the same things. He was my mouth and hands, writing and speaking the words I knew I never could; the words I needed to speak to loved ones, to friends, to myself. Sitting and reading these beautiful words, and feeling the "chilly wind of winter," the computer screen instantly becomes a mirror, a tour of the ugliness that is the heart of me, and i can no longer look at these words, read these words, cherish these words.
I close them out, and place them away neatly, thinking of the one who wrote these words i will read later. I imagine being able to look into the face of this stranger that looks exactly like me.
thank goodness I am no longer longing after things like this. I am SO glad that I found my old writing. I realy didn't think I had a real testimony like my aunts and uncles have over at mt. calvary, but it just showed me that I really do, it shows me how much Jesus cleansed my mind and the things that Jesus Christ has set me free from.
2 Peter 3:1
This second epistle, beloved, I now write unto you; in both which I stir up your pure minds by way of remembrance...
I read this, and I remember where I was. and the way I think, and it's like WOW! I am no way like that anymore. i don't think that way, I don't do those things anymore. Thank you Jesus for you delivergin power! Three cheers for the ord of God
HIP HIP HURRAY!! HIP HIP HURRAY!! HIP HIP HURRAY!!
Oh man, I was cleaning my room, and I found this old notebook full of writing. First off, I had been reading WAY too many books by Zane, because my writing was straight NASTY! no wonder i stopped writing once I started living for Christ. If I can't write about sex, what can I write? but yo, reading this, I wanna start writing again. i wrote some phat stuff I didn't know I could write like that. It didn't stick out to me, but looking back at what I wrote, I said some phat stuff.
"I remember him, now. I remember everything. Two teenage paths of promiscuity that crossed for one night." I don't know, that was just phat to me.
I don't know this story is kind of phat. It's kind of sad, but it's phat. Here's a snippet...
The train comes and goes, leaving us standing alone, silently in the train station. We studied each other's eyes, as we use to do, proff that we still had that spark... that same spark...
...I explain to him. I tell him everything. With tear-filled eyes, I tell him how after he had left, it took Jeffery 10 years to realize what he had done. He couldn't take the loss of his only real friend and he began to drink. He drank cases and cases of beers all the time. he would go to bars and drink himself stupid, but he was sensible enough to take a cab. He woudl have temper tantums that would last for days at a time. He couldn't sleep; he barely ate; my children and I had to alays be on our toes as if walking on eggshells.
After two years pass, we couldn't take anymore, and sent him to counseling. Shockingly, but thankfully, he went willingly. Up until three years ago, he had been completely cober. He seemed sober, but we couldnt' get anything out of him. He had closed up and become so selfish. He had just stopped doing things for his family altogether.
After a while, he did change. it shocked me, btu I was grateful. One day, he decided to take the boys out. i stayed home and decided to make the house look nice, as a treat for him when he came home, accept he never did.
It started with a glass of wine. Then a small heinekin, and it kept rising and rising as the memory of his stupidity got stronger in his mind. The boys tried to stop him, but were unsuccessful in their efforts. After a while, he'd had enough. He gathered the boys and tried to speed from Massachusetts all the way to North Carolina to try and gain Errin's friendship back, after all these years! A third of the way, he crosses into the wrong lane and gets runover by a truck.
The next morning I recieve the news, crying in my guilt. I could've refused to stay home. I could have saved my family from such a tragedy! H wouldn't let me go because he claimed that it was "boys night out." But the night has yet to end as I wait for him and my boys to come home.
I cry in Erinn's arms as he consoles me, and tells me everything I need to hear. He tell me it wasn't my fault and that it was inevitable. He tell me that they are still with me, even though they've gone on. Another train come and goes...
I like that writing. It was just... I don't know. it drew me in when i was reading it. i wanna write stuff like that for Christ. For real. i wrote some funny stuff. I read this, I don't know, I just cracked UP when I read it.
"His dark eyes grilled through her like a barbecued sausage." It was just funny cause of the grill, and the barbecued sausage... yeah. anyway. I said something stupid and funny later in the story.
"Soon after, Jh'rome walked in, his friendgrudgingly trailing behind him. Sure he might not enjoy the experience as much as I would, but who cares? A little (sensored) every now and then is good for every man, gay, bi, or straight."
Another funny moment... for me, anyways. Again, I had been reading WAY too many books by Zane. Way too muh erotica for my mind to handle at the time. Thank goodness I got Jesus, now. He has seriously cleansed my mind. I don't feel right reading Zane, and like books, nor do I have a need to write stuff like that. I even wrote something about my Daddy. I love my daddy, Look
Holding him is a joy, an assurance that he's there anytime I will ever need him. I open the door, and enter in, he is laying there under his covers, watching Tv with a grin.
Walking over, energy builds, and grows, as he welcomes me into his presence. I bend over and hug him.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
As my head lay to his chest, I hear his heart beat, and savor each and every one.
We share a connection that not even death can sever. Even after death, that man will be with me, because he'll be with God, and God abides in me. I let go, and head out.
I though of the man I could always come to as I left my father's room.
I love this. This is so... AWWW!!! I wrote it in English class a couple years ago. I have madd other stuff I want y'all to read, and since I have so much stuff in this post already, I will let you go. But come abck another day and read what I put up. it's good stuff. trust me.
"Well, God knows my heart."
I honestly want to know when and how that started being used as an excuse for people to continue doing their dirt when they are judged by other Christians? As soon as they get called out for doing wrong, instead of apologizing, they say "God know my heart," as if they don't know no better. And then the way sinners use it! Don't get me started on that. I was thinking about it lately, and I really believe that that is like something condemning for the people i hear most use it as an excuse.
"Well God knows my heart"
Yes he does know your heart. And he knows when you are rejected His word, but using it as an excuse to keep living like you living. God knows the difference between you making a mistake, and you just sinning willfully just because you want to go to the club on Fridays.
Of course, it is not always used as an excuse. i mean my friend said to me "you shouldn't care about what other people think of you, because it's God who can see your heart and knows it. It is only what he thinks that counts, because he knows your heart. " OH SO TRUE! i mean you cannot deny truth. When a sinner comes to God, he sees the condition of their heart (as he always has) and he forgives the sincere, willing heart, and the broken, contrite spirit. But what does he do with the selfish heart, that comes to God for personal gain? What does he think about those that the sinner that says that God knows their heart, when they dont' want to cast away their sins from them? I mean God knows that they are rejecting Him. Their heart is saying that loud and clear. if they are truly sincere like they are trying to imply in using that little cliche scripture, why don't they you know obey the rest of the word? Did that start in the church, and spread out to the world? Or is that exclusive to the people of God who know his word and... well... don't really want to obey? Can we use that phrase a little more correctly aligned to the Word of God please? Thanx. I was reading my bible on the bus yesterday, and i tell you something really jumped out at me. i just could not get passed it, no matter how much I tried. I will recall it from memory. forgive me if I get it wrong SIDEBAR That's why you are suppose to look up stuff yourself after stuff is taught, preached, etc. SIDEBAR DONE (to regina  )
Collosions (sp?) 1:21-22
And you, that were sometime alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now hath he reconciled in the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unblameable and unreproveable in his sight...
OH MY GOSH!!! I don't know why this stuck out to me the way it did, but it just did. i thought of people who had wronged others, and who had just flt like they couldn't be forgiven of what they'd done. YOU ARE FORGIVEN! IT'S OK! I thought about people who had left the church, and felt like they couldn't go back. YES YOU CAN! I thought about people with low self esteem who had had stuff done to them, and now they feel like it's their fault, NO IT AIN'T!!! I mean it's like. It wasn't their fault, but since they felt they needed to be reconciled for what they supposedly did, God did so. He took care of all this on the cross. Now it hits, that when they say Jesus took care of everything on the cross, he really did take care of every little single, cheap-sounding, unimportant (in our eyes) thing onto the cross, and nailed it there so that we could be free from EVERYTHING!! No one can blame us for anything we've done in the past, so drop it. Yeah sure other people will try and hold these things against you, and try to be like "I know what you did last summer" So what if you know what I did? God wiped my slate totally clean and gave me a new beginning. He don't remember that. I'm standing here and my sins are way over there. Stop trying to bridge a gap that God created! (Psalms 103:12) Three cheers for the word of God!
HIP HIP HURRAY!! HIP HIP HURRAY!! HIP HIP HURRAY!!!!!
I love God's word. it's so fun! It's so encouraging. It's so cleansing. It's so perfect! There is nothing like my God, and his Word, which is also his son, Jesus Christ (John 1). Who knew?! lol.
Song of the Day: All You've Done For Me - Lisa McClendon My friend tried to condemn my reason for not learning how to drive. Honestly as such, I SEE NO REASON TO LEARN TO DRIVE IF I CANNOT AFFORD A CAR. She says lots of people know how to drive and don't have cars... FOR WHAT?! Now your liscence is sitting in your wallet collecting dust. it might as well just be your Mass ID. She is saying, well what if I want to go somewhere far? and now I can't go because I don't know how to drive. not true. there are such things as plains, buses, and trains. or, I can ride with someone else who is going to the same place. if there's no way for me to get where I'm going, guess what, that don't mean I need a car, that means I don't need to be where ever I'm trying to go. I tell her this, and she calls me dependent. As if she's independent. That statement bothers me. People trip me out with the independent thing. NO ONE IS INDEPENT. I don't even know why that word is in the dictionary because it's a serious farce. We are always dependent on someone. Hopefully, we are dependent on God to supply our needs, and if I can't get somewhere, there's no need for me to BE there. There's no serious need for me to go out to a friend's house way out in worcester just to chill and come home. And so what, I learn to drive so I can just switch my dependence from the bus to a car, where I have to pay high insurance costs because I'm young, and 3 dollars a gallon for gas I can't afford, and a cheap car that barely runs because it's all I can afford? WHat happens when I'm trying to get to that far place, and my car breaks down, now I'm stranded on the highway? It happens people. Just because I have a car, doesn't make me independent, and a car is not a real necessity. My car breaks down, I'm still going back to what I'm doing now, getting rides and taking the bus. Whereas before, I was depending on God to keep my car to get me where I need to go, now I'm depending on God to keep this other person's car, or this train, or this bus, or this plane, to get me where I need to go. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?! I'm still dependent, whether I have a car or not. No it's not to the point where I'm mooching of someone, but whether I like it or not, I'm depending on SOMEBODY.
Right now, I honestly see being independent as an ungodly thing. look at the dictionary definition.
independent:
- Not governed by a foreign power; self-governing.
- Free from the influence, guidance, or control of another or others; self-reliant: an independent mind.
- Not determined or influenced by someone or something else; not contingent
Not governed by a foreign power? That means God is not governing my life. That is not a good thing, people. Free from influence, guidance, or control? This is not an active definition, because we are always controlled by something, be it God's word, our own flesh, a demon that plagues our minds. We are never free from influence. And I'd rather be controlled by God than anything else. But being independent just does not exist. It don't. I wanna go to work, I'm depending on some for of transportation to get me there. I want to eat, I'm depending on my job to pay me so I can go buy me something to eat, and then I'm depending on my arms to carry the food home, if I'm walking, I'm depending on my feet and legs to hold up my weight. I'm depending on God to protect me from getting hit by a car when I go through an intersection or cross the street. I'm depending on the train not to derail, the bus not to crash, the plane not to fall. WE ARE ALWAYS DEPENDING ON SOMETHING OR SOMEONE! The word independent just does not exist. Not in my book. and that's the Bible.
Proverbs 3:5-7
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
I want to be independant and keep my life in my own hands, and try to supply my own needs, so I can call myself independent? FOR WHAT?! So I can fail every time? come on. I'm not gonna try and rely on my own self. That is pure stupidity. I'ma rely on God to supply my needs because I know he'll come through every single time. If I need a car, He'll give me one. But as of this moment, I don't need one, and therefore I'm not gonna learn to drive. Because in the future, when I do learn, my dependence will switch from God keeping other people's vehicles while we travel, to God keeping my car, and providing the means to do so. But I'm still dependent. Having a car don't make me independent. It just switches my dependence. So what are the perqs to learning to drive and getting a car? I don't really see any.
Ok I'ma learn to drive and borrow someone's car? Then what happens when I get into an accident in this person's car? I'm not on their insurance. I'm going to have to pay to get this person's car fixed. I can't afford that. BE REAL. I'm not gonna learn to drive unless I can afford my own car to drive. Forget driving someone else's car. Please tell me. Is this philosophy really that retarded?
Song of the Day: Unconditionally - Karen Clark-Sheard Since when has the world become SUCH a painful place to live in? Things have seriously changed...
I can recall a time (cause it wasn't that long ago) where the effects of sin were... not as prevelant. People use to could walk down the street looking like they are at peace even a little bit with themselves. Of course I knew it wasn't true, because anypne who is not saved, or saved but still living in sin, is being eaten alive by their sin, so it was obvious people...and myself (let's be real) were putting on farces.
But things have seriously changed. I see so many people, I mean it just looks like they are plagued with so many demons, and they are just manifesting themselves all up in their face. it's weird... to me, anyway. And I swear, I walked past so many people in the past week whose eyes were welling up in tears. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
Even things in the natural of gotten worse. It's like those that profit off of people's sinful bondage just don't care about making it look pretty. They figure, half the world is hooked, we make a profit none-the-less. Cigarettes smell worse than anything I've smelled in my life.... no scratch that. There is the weird smell that's on drunks, now. Before the drunks just smelled like bear, which was stank enough. Now even THAT smells worse, and it smells like it's mixed with some other stuff I can't put my finger on. Weed smells worse, because it's stronger to the point where I wanna gauge my eyes out so that it don't burn no more. It's sickening, the state of the world today... or maybe it's just Boston, I don't know.
What is this change? Am I the only person who's noticing these things? My mother didn't quite know what I was talking about when i told her. Is this a change in me where I'm starting to see things how they really are or how they have always been (possibly) or is there a real change that has occured in this world we live in? Does anyone else notice these things? I mean really. Does anyone else feel this weird sense of urgency, like a doom, among the people? Something serious has happened or is happening, and it seems to have happened right under my nose. I don't know what it is, but it is just among the list of things on why I want to get together with my saved, holy ghost-filled cousins... i dont' have nothing to say. i just want to post some songs. oohh, when you see an elipses (...), that's the end of the song.
I love you, I love you,
I love you, Lord, today.
Because you cared for me
In such a special way.
That's why I praise you,
I lift you up,
And I magnify your name
Tht's why my heart is filled with praise...
The Lord is high above the heavens
And His glory above the nations
The Lord is high above the heavens
And His glory above the nations
Lift up your hands and say
Halle-halle-hallelujah!
Halle-halle-hallelujah!
Halle-lujah! Halle-lujah!...
I will serve you, because I love you
You have given life to me.
I was nothing, but then you found me
You have given life to me!
heartache, broken peices,
Ruined live are why you
Died on Calvary
Your touch is what I long for
You have given life to me...
in my life, Lord
Be glorified. Be glorified.
in my life, Lord,
Be glorified, today....
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
*wipes away tear*
There is something about that name
You are master, savior, Jesus
Like a fragrance after the rain
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
Let All heaven and Earth proclaim
Kings and kingdoms shall all pass away,
But there's something about that name... I am very grateful for the talk i had with Auntie Julia today. It was eye opening, and raised up something else more serious that needed to be dealt with...
What do you do when you are in a gang? Do you not do as the rest of the gang members do? if you're not gonna do as the gang does, then you don't really have the right to rep the gang. Correct? How dumb does the gang to look to have all its members claiming it, but slim to none of the members actually do as the gang is suppose to do?
People this very much happens in the Body of Christ. I hear SO many people claim to be a Christian. "yes i love the lord. I read my bible all the time!" Ever notice how the bible sitting on the coffe table is open but you can't read the words because of years of DUST sitting on top whatever page the bible is open to? That bible is not at all being read. Neither are many who claim to be Christians living after God's image.
John 14:15 says, "If ye love me, keep my commandments." How can you say you love God, and you are a Christian (which means Christlike, ding ding) if you are not indeed Christlike? If you are not Christ-like, you are not a Christian, since being a Christian means to be christ-like.
Youth of Mt. Calvary, I had an interesting talk with one of the parents. And I feel for her, very much. It was not so much the fact that those who are not saved were posting things, but the thing that hit the hardest was the face that Mt. Calvary Youth was posting things that Jesus just would not approve of. Because the environment wasn't even right among the people of God, where was this page-owner's safe haven? So she had to pull the plug. And I honestly don't blame her one bit. Christians, we should know better than to do as the world does. Reppin' gangs, reposting curseful and sexually explicit chain letters are things that the world does. WE ARE CALLED TO BE DIFFERENT!!! To lift of the name of Jesus to draw all men to him. Please be obedient to the calling of God. Read my blog, "MySpace Issues." If you blog does not match the standards that God set, then it's time to make a change. take off the swears, get rid of the sinful music, and stop posting as evil things as we, the people of God, have been posting. Take down the lustful pictures, and stop revealing yourself. It is time to live for God, and God alone.
Many issues between MCBC have come up when it comes to do with MySpace, and I'd like to deal with them. First off, I am very sad that Daryl had to leave myspace. We will miss you!
It has come to may attention that certain parents of Mt Calvary Children have...taken issue with this ever-poluar website known as MySpace. but it is what it indeed implies. MY SPACE! So let me have it please? Thank you. It is meant to be a place where people can express themselves. Sometimes, that expression is done appropriately and inappropiate. But I have decided to give the low-down for all the parents who have decided to take a stand in their childrens lives, and make sure they are living right befor God, and are safe on the net. MUCH congrats to you. But before you get my standing ovation, you must first realize certain truths about this website.
Bulletins: Do you have an announcement? Post a bulletin. Saw something funny, you want people to read? Post it in the bulletin. Depending on the diversity of your friends, a VARIETY of bulletins will be posted. Some nasty, some cool. Realize, Mt. Calrvary is not Earth within Earth. Not everyone was raised in a Biblically Correct Church such as Mt. Calvary. We cannot judge our children based on what the world does behind closed doors (seeming as the general public does not see posted bulletins on people's page). That almost makes no sense with me saying it like that. But it's almost like that's what's happening. BUT WE CAN judge based on what's going on within the body of Christ.
Paul said in Corinthians 5:9-13:
"I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators: Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world. But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person."
It is not the page owner's choice what is posted on the billboard by their unsaved friends. To ask them to stop posting such things would be like asking them to stop swearing when they talk around you. 9 times out of ten, they will swear MORE just to test you and get on your nerves. Rather, pay attention to what the page owner has posted in the billboard THEMSELVES. If your child is posting little announcements they want their friends to know, there's nothing wrong with that. But if they are passing chain letters that try to curse people for not reposting, and sexually explicit things, then they are to be held accountable. But ONLY if they post these things. Matthew, shame on you for getting Mt. Calvary children in trouble by posting such gross things as you have posted (I'm calling names like Paul. I don't care.) if Matthew continues to post these things, take him OFF your friends list. He knows better. We should NOT have to delete our entire page just because one disobedient Child of God decided to be nasty.
Comments: One thing your child CAN control is the comments that people leave on their page. Those can be deleted. I do not go through the trouble of trying to filter out my bulletins, because that is not portrayed to the general public when someone views my page. but it is my choice, what I allow people to say in my comments. I cannot rep Jesus in my life and on my page, and in my blog, and allow people to swear, and talk about sex in my comments. That is totally contradictory to the Body of Christ and the Word of God. What is your child condoning in the comments? Do not have your child repin' Jesus one place, and telling the world their are Christians, but when it comes to that, peopel can call the hypocrites because what they condone on their page is just so contradictory to what has been spoken out of their mouths. The first thing people seem to look for these days are hypocrites within the church, PLEASE don't validate these people's views by allowing your children to do so, and give these people occasion to blaspheme against the Body of Christ and its God.
These are basically all the issues I have heard something about that are causing issue between children and their parents. if there are anymore, let me know and I will update. I am thinking of making this particular blog entry public to those at Mt. Calvary. what do y'all think? If you feel this is gonna put the children on blast in front the parents, then you need to clean up yoru act in the eyes of your parents and the eyes of God. ESPECIALLY if you know better. no excuses. The children of Mt. Calvary know the word of God. We have been taught it since the moment we spoke our first word. You know the deal. If you are taking issue with this post, check yourself.
<FONT style="COLOR: rgb(0,0,102)" size=2><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif">I just remembered, something did happen after. well actually before but anyways, in highschool, I'd look at people and be like, "hmm. he looks gay. is he gay?" and you know all my friends would be like, I don't see it. No he ain't gay. he got a girlfriend. well, I'm finding out one by one that all the dudes I was questioning ARE ACTUALLY GAY!!! it feels so good to be right. it really does. I find out one dude everyone thought was straight actually dated a childhood friend of mines senior year, and took him to prom! And then another one I was questioning, there was just something different about him. EVERYTHING about him was gay. his clothes, his walk, the way he bopped to the music he was listening to. It was just weird. He had seriously changed... for the worse. And I was the only one to think he was gay. my friends didn't agree. But now... I get to rub it in their face. lol. ok that's what happened. bye.</SPAN></FONT> Noonday prayer was about GOSSIP. yes Gossip. It's a big issue in Mt. Calvary. maybe the biggest. but yo. tell me why, Sister Baxter CALLED ME OUT at the end of prayer and told Granddaddy to anoint me and pray for me. I was like, dag. But I still have yet to sit down and have my pow wow with sister baxter. I have to call her tomorrow. wish me luck, y'all. nosa. just pray.
i do not think a baptism of the Holy Ghost requires, emotion and a whole bunch of shouting, speaking in tongues and such. I hear it said that it's like an electricity. The "Electrivity of the Holy Ghost." Well, Granddaddy asked that I be filled with the Holy Ghost (or was that sister baxter?). and after he was done praying, I started to feel like a tingly feeling all over. starting from my head, down to my feet. I've felt it before. Like this one time, I was really thinking about... somestuff (for alll the preferred readers) and I just really didn't want to be thinking about it, so I just said "NO!" and stomped my foot. and it was like something touched my head, that same tingly feeling, from my head down to my feet, three times. it was hot. it felt really good to resist sin. I wanna do it again. lol. Anyway, I am out. I will post when I talk to sister baxter, unless something else happens before then.
Song of the Day: Song of Strength - Fred Hammond
I know this is about God, but I put Romance and relationships because this boils down to what my relationship with Jesus looks like. People it don't look good. I can say that for sure. I mean I can get up in front of people, play the organ and sing all I want, but the truth of the matter is that I am still watching pornography, and I'm still a homosexual. But these things are NOT going to intrude in on my relationship with Jesus anylonger. I refuse...
I called Sister Baxter yesterday. I had to call back madd times because they was praying... I was praying, too. SHOOOOOTTT i was scared. But I just asked God for some guidance in my life, then I called sister Baxter. And I told her my concerns, "In the state I'm in, should I REALLY be getting up before the people and singing, and playing the organ at church?" The first thing that came out of her mouth was, "Well bless your heart." She wanted to talk to me face to face down at the church about these issues. So I have to call her today. to set something up. I will be back to update. I am so glad all this is happening, because I am ready for God to get some REAL glory out of my life. Not just in my words, but in my actions and the way I live. Thank you Jesus...
Song of the Day: We Sing Glory - Fred Hammond i'm bored, and i'm hungry. i'm sitting in my friend's dorm room waiting for her to get out the shower so we can go eat at the dining hall.. my other friend is acting dumb cause she don't want to wait for my friend to get out the shower, even though she KNOW she ain't got no life and nothing to do. CONNIE YOU HAVE NO LIFE, Life, life, life... there i said it.
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